My 2015

It's that time of year again: New Year's Eve when we all look back at the year as a whole and remember the good, the bad, and the ugly. I don't feel much like going into extreme detail of the things that went on throughout 2015, but I am here to outline the good and the bad.

• January: 3 birthdays, 2 wedding anniversaries, and we lost my grandfather
• February: 3 birthdays, 1 wedding, and completed Amy Pond cosplay for WonderCon 2015
• March: 1 birthday, bought a car, and completed Padme cosplay for WonderCon 2015
• April: WonderCon 2015 and Ryan was born
• May: My first Mother's Day, 1 wedding anniversary, 1 birthday, and a friend moved away
• June: nothing too memorable happened...
• July: San Diego Comic Con/Nerd HQ, I went back to work, and Ryan's first Fourth of July
• August: completed Dean Winchester cosplay for Long Beach Comic Con
• September: my 2nd wedding anniversary, Long Beach Comic Con, 2 other wedding anniversaries, and 2 birthdays
• October: Ryan's first Halloween
• November: Supernatural Convention in Pasadena, Ryan's first Thanksgiving
• December: Ryan's first Hanukkah, Christmas, and New Year

Throughout this year, I have seen friends move away and I have grown closer to others. I have gained and lost weight. I have colored my hair five different times. I fought with people and made up with the same. I have been really happy and really, really sad. Looking back at the year, I can safely say that it was a really amazing one, even with the bad. God uses everything that happens in our day to day lives to strengthen us and mold us into who He has called us to be. I am so thankful for living through another year, and I look forward to what 2016 will bring!

Happy New Year!

Supernatural Convention Pasadena

November 14, 2015 was definitely a long awaited date. Back in May, my mom purchased tickets for us to go to the Supernatural Convention in Pasadena. My friend purchased her ticket as well, and moments later we bought a ticket to take a picture with Mark Sheppard and Misha Collins. Needless to say, we were very excited.

I began counting down the days when October hit, and November seemed to get here in no time. Before I knew it, it was the 14th. I was so excited I could hardly stand it.

Of course, we got to the venue about a half an hour before things were going to get started. This convention was held at the Pasadena Civic Auditorium, so it was pretty small. I was expecting a much larger crowd for something so popular. I'm used to going to conventions held at Convention Centers, so this was already a new experience. Since the characters of Supernatural don't wear anything "fancy," it was sort of difficult to tell if people were in cosplay or not. I knew I was, but I was probably not easy to pick out either. The panels were all inside of the auditorium, and the vendors were in the entrance and the foyer area. There were not very many vendors, and again, I am used to huge conventions with a whole showroom floor of vendors.

The only item I purchased from a vendor was a journal. The company is called Con-Quest Journals, and it is such a neat concept. The journals were either Doctor Who, Supernatural, or The Walking Dead themed, and inside of them were places for autographs, panel notes, cosplay pictures, and page protectors for photo ops. I purchased a Doctor Who themed journal, and I plan on taking it to all of my conventions. The lovely lady and gentlemen selling these journals were the sweetest people, and I enjoyed chatting with them on and off throughout the day.

Now, the panels were more of a Q and A session with the actors of the show. An actor would be introduced by the MC (Richard Speight, Jr.) along with Louden Swain (Rob Benedict's band), and he or she would take the stage. If you wanted to ask them a question, then you had to put your name in a box and hope you would be chosen. The chosen ones would line up on either side of the stage and ask their questions. It was pretty cool. The first ones to go were Richard Speight, Jr., Rob Benedict, and Matt Cohen (R2M for my typing purposes). After them, it was Osric Chau and Ruth Connell (OR). I could seriously listen to Ruth Connell talk all day long with her Scottish accent...but I digress. Next, it was Mark Sheppard. After that was Misha Collins. They were not one right after the other as there were other things going on, but that was the order of the panels.

R2M stayed on stage to answer questions, as did OR and Misha. Mark Sheppard, on the other hand, got off of the stage and walked through the audience while speaking. It was a great way to actually get some good pictures, and I felt like he was connecting with us more so than the others. Whenever he saw a baby or very small child, he would stop and say hello. He is, after all, expecting a baby. (Congrats, Mark!) People asked him great questions, and I learned that he has been sober 26 years, he loves the term "Supernatural Family," and he is extremely sarcastic with the British, dry humor. His accent is wonderful, and it was a joy listening to him talk. Now, when it came to Misha Collins' time, he was hysterical. He did his Russian accent for us, he talked about how his GISHWES campaign started and the most dangerous things people have submitted. However, we was asked a few questions that made him and I'm sure most people in the audience quite uncomfortable. For example, he got asked, "Would you Netflix and chill with Castiel?" First off, he didn't know the actual meaning of "Netflix and chill," which was actually pretty funny. Once he figured that out, you could tell he was uncomfortable. Why would anyone basically ask someone if they would have sex with themselves? People these days. Personally, I felt like we got to know more about everyone else than Misha during the panels.

The photo op area was actually in the building across the street, and everyone lined up inside that had pre-purchased tickets. We got in line for our Misha Collins/Mark Sheppard photo op about 10 minutes before the scheduled time, and we were probably 100th+ in line. This line was really long, but it went really fast. Once we got up to take our picture, we literally only had time to say, "Awkward Prom," which was our pose idea, pose and walk away. I'm pretty sure it was about 2 seconds. I had been waiting for 6 months for this moment, and it all happened faster than I could process it. To be honest, I was a tad disappointed. I had this grand idea in my mind that we would be able to say hello, shake hands, and at least say one full sentence. That didn't happen. I also thought for sure the picture wasn't going to look that great since I did not feel prepared at all. I will now always go into photo ops knowing that I get literally no time to do anything but pose and walk away. With that knowledge, I was more prepared for the photo op with Ruth Connell. However, the line for her photo op wasn't nearly as long, and we did actually get to say hello and thank you. She was very sweet and it was quick, but not nearly as quick as the M2 photo.
After we had finished our photo ops, it was time to sit around in the auditorium and wait for the next panel. I was a little bummed out about the M2 photo op, and my friend was trying to cheer me up. I felt silly for being sad since I was blessed with the opportunity to even take a picture. As I was playing with my phone, I hear a voice ask us, "Hey ladies, do you mind if I interview you?" It was Osric Chau! I'm pretty sure God knew I needed a pick-me-up, because this was the coolest thing that happened during my whole convention experience. He asked us our names, how many conventions we have been to, how long we have been watching Supernatural, and how our experience was at this convention. It was really cool. I'm pretty sure we will be in the YouTube video once it's posted.


Overall, it was a wonderful experience. Sure, the photo op time was a little crazy, but the pictures did come out great! I had a lot of fun, as did my mom, sister, and friend. Next time, I think I may be more interested in autographs since I heard people got a minute or two with the actors. I will definitely be going next year!


If you would like to see my live tweets from the panels, check out the hashtag #PasCon on my Twitter @mad_whovian! :)

Dearest Dean, Sam, and Castiel

If God was in season 11 (or any season, for that matter), then I think this is what He would say to Dean, Sam, and Cas.

In Haiku form:

Oh, Dean Winchester

The pain in your eyes kills me

I can help with that.

 

 

Oh, Sam Winchester

Your brother will be okay

Darkness is no more.

 

 

My sweet Castiel

I am forever grateful

You'll be rewarded.

Out of the Woods

Hello there! So, there's a song by Taylor Swift called "Out of the Woods" that I really like. I took the lyrics and created a short story around them. It really has nothing to do with the meaning of her song, but it's what I saw in my head whenever I heard it. Enjoy!

Out of the Woods

                It had been three dark, long, lonely, December days since the plane went down in Black Mountain. There were plane parts scattered throughout the snowy woods. It could have easily been mistaken for an abandoned junk yard. The engines were still smoking. The scent of fuel mixed with the crisp mountain air. I spent most of my time searching for other survivors, but none could be found. I’m not proud of it, but I resorted to looting purses, luggage, and wallets for useful tools and food. I found took things like sewing kits, knives, blankets, socks, tinder for fire, pre-packaged snacks, alcohol, and water bottles. I only took what I could carry in my backpack, and it was growing heavy. I knew I had to tough it out.

                I was miles from the original crash site. I was alone. Night fall was the worst. The trees began to change into monsters and demons, and the faint sounds of wolves howling felt closer than ever. I had to start a fire as not to freeze to death, and I opened a package of airline nuts. I savored each one and let my mind wander to simpler, more pleasant times. I took a Polaroid of us out of my pocket and cracked a grin. My necklace was hanging from your neck, as usual, and you were wearing a pastel pink, lacey sun dress. Your hair was a curly mess and your lipstick had faded, but you had the most beautiful smile. I longed for that sweet face.

                I pulled a blanket from my backpack, lied down, and hummed our favorite song. I envisioned us moving the furniture so we could dance, like we stood a chance. It wasn’t always the most graceful thing, but it was your favorite way to spend time together. I managed to drift off to sleep, but I never fully rested. As I opened my eyes, I saw you looking at me, but the instant I blinked you were gone.

                I got up just as the sun was peaking over the horizon. I stared into the woods and sighed. I stood there for what felt like forever, and the trees seemed as though they would never end. I put out my fire, packed up my blanket, and trekked on. I walked for hours. The sun was straight above me reminding me that, even in December, the mountains could feel like Hell. I felt a sharp pain in my foot, so I found a fallen tree to sit on for a moment. I pulled off my boot, removed my sock, and found a decent cut on my big toe. Weird, I wonder how that happened. I dug through my backpack and took out a travel-sized sewing kit I had taken from an elderly woman’s carry-on. I then took out a tiny bottle of whiskey I had found at the crash site by chance. I dipped the needle into the whiskey to sterilize it, then began to stitch up my toe. I’m sure it took a good twenty stitches to close that cut. Who knew such a small appendage would need so many stitches. Once I was done, I swallowed down the rest of the whiskey and just sat there. I scanned the woods for anything remotely life like. Nothing.

                I put my boot and sock back on, packed my things, and stood up slowly. I took a deep breath and walked slowly in the same direction I had decided to go. I remembered that I hadn’t eaten anything since the night before, so I grabbed another package of nuts from my backpack and ate slowly to match the pace of my tired legs.

                My head was down as I walked. Thoughts of death slowly entered my mind. I was hungry, tired, and alone. These woods were endless, I was lost, and I just wanted out. It seemed hopeless. I pulled a knife from my pocket and stared at it longingly. I heard something softly fall into the snow beside me. The Polaroid had fallen out of my pocket. I picked it up and started to cry. I had to make it out. I had to figure out a way to get home.

                I tucked everything away and felt a rush of adrenaline flow into my body. I ran. I don’t think I have ever run so fast. I kept my focus forward, jumping over root and dodging branches. As I was weaving through the trees, I thought I could see them thinning. Could it be? Was I finally out of the woods? Would I finally be in the clear?

                I threw my backpack off without a thought and ran faster. I was almost there. I could see faint outlines of buildings. Civilization. Just before I reached the clearing, I lost my footing and fell. I heard a terrible crunch and felt excruciating pain in my left side. It felt warm. I writhed in pain, and I let out a frustrated scream. I was so close, yet so far. I lied there and just let my eyes close…

                I sat up quickly trying to catch my breath. I pulled the covers back and sat on the edge of the bed. I looked over my shoulder at you as you slept peacefully beside me.

               

Best Friends

Let me start this blog post by saying this: PLEASE do not think this is about you. Any of you. This is about me. These are my thoughts, feelings, rantings, etc. It is my time to be selfish and talk about me and my needs. So, here I go.

Growing up, I always had a "best friend." We would do everything together, and we liked all of the same things. Into middle school and high school, I had one or two. Again, we were inseparable. Sleepovers were pretty much a weekly thing, we could talk on the phone for hours, and I knew I could trust them with everything. However, after we graduated, we grew apart which is unfortunately normal.

As an adult (did I really just label myself as an adult? yuck!), I have found myself longing for that "best friend." Someone I could hang out with often, text all of the time about nothing and everything, and confide in. I wanted to just enjoy each other's company all of the time no matter what chapter of life we were in. Once I thought I had found "the one," something would happen where I would feel let down. I always felt like I was the one who put all of the effort into making the friendship work. If the other person didn't text me, then I thought there was something wrong. If the other person didn't include me like I wanted to include them, then I felt sad and like I did something to offend them. I constantly feel like I love more than I am loved. I blamed myself for trying too hard because I figured I was being too needy. Remember my post about Belle? I was serious when I said I don't give up easily.

Well, as it turns out, my personality is the reason I am being let down. What am I talking about? you ask? Let me explain:

At work, we took a very simple personality test called The Enneagram. This test helps us understand our motives, needs, and fears from a spiritual standpoint. For those of you who don't know, I work for a Christian preschool. 

This test said: I am "The Helper." Caring, generous, possessive. You have a problem, I am here to help you... My driving need/motive behind my actions is to be loved. I am a caretaker, loving, and I have a servant's heart. My basic fear is being unworthy of love, and I desire to be loved. My downfall is feeling resentment towards others because I feel let down by everyone because I don't feel like I am being loved like I am giving. What I need to do is stop, think, and remember that I am loved. People show love differently. I should also stop trying to take care of others and take care of myself.

When I got those results, I seriously almost cried. Yeah, I know, I'm emotional. This is spot on. Right on the money. I know that I am a good friend and am willing to sacrifice parts of my life to make time for others. It's a little harder now with a baby, but I love hanging out with people. I love being around others. I am such an extroverted, outgoing, bubbly person that being away from my friends is hard for me. When I don't get that need filled, it hurts. That's why I felt like there was an empty place that I needed to fill with a "best friend," but every time I tried to fill it, I was let down.

However, I do know someone who will NEVER let me down. He will always be there, and He absolutely loves me way more than I could ever love. He is the ultimate best friend. His name is Jesus. In fact, He loves me so much, He paid for my sins on the cross and saved me from my sins. He loves to listen to me talk to Him all of the time, and I have no doubt that He hears me. Yes, it is still hard for me not to label someone as my "best friend" other than my husband of course, but Jesus has filled that spot and He isn't going anywhere! 

I can say with joy in my heart that I do have some amazing close friends, but labeling someone as a "best friend" will only let me down in the end. I praise God for the people He has put into my life. Things change, people change, but He remains the same yesterday, today and forever!

Feeding Your Baby

I don't really know how to begin this entry, but I guess I'll start off by saying that breastfeeding is wonderful. It's so good for you and your baby. Your baby gets so much nutrition from the breast, and the bonding time is fantastic. Research shows that babies who nurse have stronger immune systems, are less likely to have allergies, have fewer ear infections, are smarter and can walk on water.

Oh wait...I'm sorry, I may have exaggerated the last couple of statements. Nursing your baby is extremely good for him/her and for you as the mom. I mean, you burn calories by breastfeeding! How wonderful is that? Plus, it's easily accessible and your baby doesn't have to wait when he/she is screaming for food. Did I also mention it's free?

You see, there are tons of blog posts and research out there that tells you that nursing your baby is best. That there are so many benefits to doing so, and those benefits outweigh the difficulties that come with nursing. What? Nursing isn't easy? HA! No, it isn't. 

Let me tell you something: it doesn't make you a bad mom if you do not nurse your child. Feeding your baby formula is just as nutritional and wonderful as nursing. 

I tried to nurse Ryan for the first 3 weeks of his life. I tried everything to get my milk to flow: I ate oatmeal, drank special teas, pumped constantly, drank tons of water, and saw a lactation specialist. I read blogs on how to nurse. I prayed hard. I asked my closest friends for advice. Nothing seemed to work. I was constantly crying and stressing because I didn't think Ryan was getting enough from me. I always had to supplement with formula anyway since he would pull away from me screaming. I felt like a failure. I couldn't nurse my child like everyone else I knew, so that made me a bad mom.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. My mom came to me and told me feeding Ryan strictly formula does not make me a bad mommy. I needed to do what was best for both Ryan and myself. I was horribly stressed out trying to nurse him, and that was stressing out my tiny baby boy. It had been 3 weeks and nothing was coming from me. I cried, but I knew that I had to stop trying. Bottles take time to make. Formula does get expensive. However, trying to nurse was doing more harm than good. I never felt a "let down," which is a tingling sensation when your milk comes in, my breasts never felt swollen, Ryan wasn't swallowing when he was nursing, and I wasn't leaking whenever Ryan cried.

I stopped nursing, and Ryan and I became much happier for it. He is a well fed, happy, healthy baby who is growing just fine, and that is something I am more than fine with! We still have a great time bonding as I'm feeding him, PLUS others get a chance to feed him and bond with him. I was a formula baby, and I turned out just fine. It's perfectly okay not to breastfeed. If it doesn't work out, then stressing won't solve the problem. Believe me, I honestly felt like I was going to be judged for not nursing. Silly me! No one I know judges me. No one looks down at me for using formula. In fact, I have never felt more supported. I just had to remember something very important that every new mom needs to hear: I am not other moms!

So, do what is best for you and your baby. Ryan is thriving, and I am totally happy with my decision! 

Birth Story

Here is a disclaimer about this coming post: it contains some graphic imagery. If you can't handle blood, pain, or...blood, then you should read this post anyway. ;)

Thursday, April 2nd, was the day my body tried to tell me Ryan was coming. Starting at around 1:00am, I got crazy sick. I was throwing up all night and into the morning. I had a really easy 34 weeks of pregnancy up to this point, so I just figured it was something that I ate that had caused me to get sick. As the day went on, I felt better. 

By Friday, I was totally fine. So, I went to WonderCon that weekend with my friend Misty, and I knew I would be fine going. I felt great the whole time. That whole weekend was normal. I wasn't sick, Ryan was moving around like normal. I didn't think anymore on my being sick.

Monday came, and I had the day off of work. My sister, Kylee, came over to help me organize baby stuff, wash baby clothes, and to do my hair. Again, I felt totally normal. I used that day to "nest," which just means getting my house in order for Ryan to arrive in 4-6 weeks from now. Monday night, as I was getting ready for bed, my lower back started to hurt. I figured it was just from doing a lot that day, so I didn't think anything of it. Plus, I was used to having back pain.

I could not sleep that night. We had gone to bed around 9:00, and I could not get comfortable. This is totally normal while in your final trimester of pregnancy, but the way I felt was not. I started to panic because this back pain wasn't something I was going to be able to sleep off. I called the Labor and Delivery advice line at my hospital. I told the nurse about my back pain, and she told me not to worry; I was probably just dehydrated. Oh, good! I was told to drink as much water as I could, so that's what I did.

An hour or so went by without any pain, so I was able to sleep for a little while. Then, the pain woke me up at around 3:00 Tuesday morning. I just stayed in bed, awake and completely uncomfortable, until it was time for me to get up to go to work at 5:30. 

(Warning: blood) When I got up to go to the bathroom after my alarm went off, it felt like I had peed in my pants a tiny bit. I thought, seriously, that's going to start...It wasn't pee. Or water. It was a glob of blood. Needless to say, I really started to freak out! I was worried that something really bad was going to happen to Ryan. Again, I called the nurse and she told me that my mucus plug had come out, which can happen up to 2 weeks before baby comes and to put a pad on in case there was any more bleeding. Oh, okay good. Everything should be fine. Except my back still really hurts...I was contemplating not going into work, but the teacher I work in my classroom with was already going to be out that day. So, I continued getting ready. When I was eating breakfast, I couldn't stand up straight. The pain was worse than before, and it was coming and going more frequently. This being my first pregnancy, I thought this was normal...

I got in the car to head to work, when something (I'm going to say God) told me not to go to work and to go get checked out. I called my boss to let her know something was going on, and she completely understood. I called my mom and asked if she would be willing to take me to the hospital, and she said that chances are good I was in preterm labor and they were going to put me on bed rest. Great. This was such an easy pregnancy, and NOW I'm going to be out of work? 

Once I got to my mom's house, I was having a hard time standing up. She let me know that I could be in actual labor and having back labor, but I didn't want to believe her since I was only 35 weeks along. She said to just be prepared...I definitely wasn't. 

When we got to the hospital, they put me in a (really nice!) labor and delivery room and had me change into a gown. By this time, my bleeding had gotten heavier, and my mom began to time my back pain. It was coming every 10-15 minutes...that means contractions. I was having back labor...A nurse finally came in and checked my cervix to see what was going on. The words that came out of her mouth were unbelievable. "Honey, you're about 5.5-6 centimeters dilated. You're having this baby today." WHAT IN THE WORLD?! I had been having back labor all night long and I had no idea. I didn't have my carseat installed, my diaper bag was at home, my husband was working in San Diego, and I was just not ready.

Well guess what? Babies come whether you're ready or not! Now that I knew I was in labor, the intense pain made way more sense. They were contractions. Crazy, painful, debilitating contractions. In my back. I have been told back labor is way more painful than "regular" labor. I called my husband to let him know he needed to come home, and I had to text my boss to let her know I wouldn't be coming back to work! By the way, I still had 3 more weeks of work. 

They shoved an IV in my arm so I would stay hydrated and hooked me up to a monitor for my contractions and baby's heat beat. I requested an exercise ball to sit on, so every time I had a contraction I could lean forward and have my mom push on my back as hard as she could. This helped with the pain a smidgen, but boy was it still there. I had to remember to breathe through them so Ryan could get the oxygen he needed. Breathing also made them slightly more bearable.

I got to 7 cm, and my water still hadn't broken, so they had to break it for me. Boy was that a lot of water! That warm, gushing water seemed to never end. It is nothing like they show in movies or on T.V. Once that was over, I could not take the pain anymore. I wanted an epidural. I was in so much pain, there was no way I was going to make it all of the way like I had hoped. My husband got there just before they administered the epidural. To be honest, that didn't really hurt at all, and the doctor giving it to me was super kind and encouraging. Once the medicine was in, the pain subsided. I thought that everything was now going to be just fine.

I noticed the nurses and doctors watching Ryan's heart rate very closely. They gave me an oxygen mask, and that's when panic set in. What was going on with my baby boy? Giving me oxygen means he isn't doing well! Someone tell me what is going on! The nurses began turning me over from side to side. Apparently, he wasn't tolerating labor very well, so they were trying to get him into a better position. Since I couldn't move my legs, I felt like a beached whale lying there being flipped around every minute or two. The main doctor who was assigned to me let me know that I may need to have a C-section since Ryan wasn't in a good spot. She didn't want me going any further into labor so that the procedure wouldn't become an emergency. I could do nothing but cry. I did not want a C-section, but I knew it would have to be the right choice to keep Ryan safe and healthy.

I signed a waver, which was very difficult to do with wires and an IV attached to you, saying that I would be fine with a C-section. My doctor called it, and they wheeled me into the operating room. I couldn't stop crying. I was so scared. The nurses, anesthesiologist, and my husband kept reassuring me that everything would be fine and that this wasn't my fault. These things happen, and our goal was to get Ryan into this world safely.

When I got to the O.R, they began to numb me completely from the waist down. Once I was numb, my husband was able to come in, and he kept telling me how great I was doing. The darn medicine made me shiver uncontrollably. I heard the doctor say, "Incision," and I felt some tugging, and then I heard screaming. He was here. Ryan Charles. 5 weeks early. April 7, 2015.

They cleaned him up and let my husband hold him so I could see him. When you have a C-section, you have to wait until they put you back together before you can hold your baby. Since he was premature, they had to take him to the Neonatal ICU to make sure everything was working properly.

Once they sewed me up and I had recovered for about an hour, they wheeled me into the NICU to see him. He was the tiniest, most precious baby I have ever gotten to hold. And he was mine. He weighed 4 pounds, 13 ounces, and he was 18 inches long. He was completely healthy. Unfortunately, he did have to say in the NICU for 8 days, but that was just because he had to learn how to eat enough before he could go home. Bringing him home on April 15th was the greatest day of our lives.